Because nothing is as important to the Christmas season as winning the culture wars, here are a few helpful hints. Enjoy!
1) Shoplift stores that refuse to wish you Merry Christmas
2) Plant a nativity scene at a local ACLU office and when they take it down claim they are persecuting you
3) With all of the bowl games happening, every player who scores a touchdown must celebrate by Tebowing or be penalized 15 yards
4) When you eat out, tip Christians 12.5% and non-Christians 4%. To discern whether your waiter is a Christian or not, make jokes about people of other religions and when your waiter laughs with you, you know they are one of you
5) Unless it costs more than $100 refuse to accept a gift unless it carries a note saying Merry Christmas
6) When you refuse to help someone because they are undocumented make sure you wish them Merry Christmas
7) When you refuse to give money to the homeless because they should get a job and buy their own house make sure you wish them Merry Christmas
8) When you donate the ugly sweater you have never worn or the can of kidney beans you bought three years ago to the local food pantry and clothing closet, be sure you wish them Merry Christmas (before you get a receipt so you can deduct it from your taxes)
9) While you ignore the person standing on the corner asking for money make sure your CD is playing Amy Grant’s “Tennessee Christmas” loud enough so that they can hear through your rolled up windows
10) Begin using militaristic language for other holidays. Remember, we can fight all year long
11) Whatever you do, do NOT reflect on Jesus as a refugee or as a poor baby in a barn so that people don’t get the wrong idea. Jesus must be made in our image
12) When someone asks you why you are fighting the war do not fall into the elitist, liberal conspiracy of using “reason.” Reason is for wimps and just boils down to words arranged in a certain order to convey an idea that is supposed to be “logical” so as to make a "point." Don’t fall for that one. Instead, respond emotionally. Sing the national anthem to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and then start crying as you remember the time when Lee Greenwood signed your #8 NASCAR shirt at the Lubbock Speedway. It will also help if you wear a Christmas sweater in red, white, and blue.
13) If you have a live nativity outside your church, make sure your shepherds are armed with rifles and have them shoot warning shots anytime a car drives by with an Obama/Biden sticker. Actions (and gunshots) speak louder than words
14) Try to avoid anyone who disagrees with you, but when you have to be around "those people" who refuse to say, “Merry Christmas” just scowl and remember how persecuted you are.